My husband died on September 2nd, 2021. We were married nearly 30 years. Part of me feels cheated that I can't say "We were married 30 years," like I'm a child who has to add that "half" onto the "six" when asked how old he or she is. It's funny to think that somehow the extra four months would somehow validate the marriage more, make it more important in my heart and in the minds and heart of others---and it really doesn't. It's a mental construct--something I just need to unwrap from my mind.
Since Jim has been gone, of course I've been lonely. Friends and family have been wonderful reaching out and trying to find ways to check in on me to help me not feel so empty and suicidal but in the end every day and every night I'm left with the ghost of my wonderful Jim and the fact that he's not here with me to talk with me, to laugh with me to BE with me any more. Not a day goes by that I don't break down and cry uncontrollably and feel like life is just not worth living without him--and then I look at the photos of my children and I know that it isn't true. Kira and Sean are worth living for. And I am worth living for. My elders are worth living for. LIFE is worth living for. The truth is that LIVING is just so damn painful when you've lost the one that you love. Your life partner. The one that you've dedicated your life to. The one you've confided your dreams to. Your best friend. It is pain beyond anything you've ever known before and if you are a widow/widower and you loved your partner deeply then you know just what I mean.
I go on a bit about this because I've spent time searching for something to help get me back into "living." Writing of course has helped. And my children first always--they drive me each and every day. But still I've been so very depressed. I've returned to my workouts and the martial arts and I've lost 40 pounds (yay) and that has helped but still I'm such a loner that I needed something that really forced me to rely on others and be responsible for others in a fun activity that engaged the brain. Something that was compatible with my fibromyalgia pain in my body as well. After reading and researching, I have decided to take scuba diving lessons.
In Charlottesville, Dive Connections has a wonderful group there and I begin my first real entrance into diving with them first thing in the morning. When I first signed on, Chip greeted me and made me feel right at home and answered all of my questions. Now, I've read and completed the lessons/bookwork and tomorrow is the first pool lesson. In my past, I have gone under water before with the family in Costa Rica on a Scuba adventure but this will be different. This is a true PADI open water certification and I plan to (if I like it) to pursue an Advanced certification so that I can explore a different part of the world and do it with other people CLOSELY with friends--with others--who have a vested interest in being close together, in relying on each other to explore the world. It's necessary in order to survive to have fun, to be safe, and to work as a team--and I think I need that. That connection. That mind engagement and that connection. So, I'm looking forward to the journey and I'm really excited to jump in--fins first--with the crew at Dive Connections--into a new world that may just be a life line for my soul. So--stay tuned. I'll let you know how the journey goes.